Hello friends, family, and loved ones (all mutually exclusive). I’m sure you’ve all been terribly lonely lately, what with no new Underhyped posts in ages (what a fantastic blog!), but there is news!

Not Underhyped news, really, but news nonetheless. If you’re desperate to read some blog posts by me, you’ve got a couple of choices. You can either check out my About.com site dedicated to Digital Music, or, for a limited time only, you can read posts from yours truly at Gawker’s very own Lifehacker, where I will join the crew as guest editor from this Wednesday to next Tuesday (isn’t Next Wednesday a popular band?).

I’m really looking forward to my stint with Lifehacker, and now you can, too!

John O’Hurley beware: In continuing Underhyped’s newfound position as center of the showbusiness universe, we’re proud to announce that we’re holding auditions for the newest incarnation of Dancing with the Stars, wherein contestants dance in front of a dilapidated, thirty-year-old limousine all dirty-style outside Underhyped headquarters where, from the existential comfort of Underhyped’s dining room, we will be taping your audition with our middle-end digital camera.

If you’re still not quite sure what we’re looking for, you can check out this sample audition.

MORE… Dancing with the Stars: The 25 Cent Lap Dance Edition

Underhyped headquarters was recently solicited via letter by an enterprising young drug dealer looking to unload co-caine on some of Underhyped’s (many) showbusiness friends, which I’ve taken the time to transcribe for you (or click here for a larger version):

Dear XXXX,

Hi. My name is Ron XXXXXXX. I sell co-caine on Wilcox. If you would like to buy some for your showbusiness friends call me. XXX XXX XXXX.

Thx
Ron

While I doubt this is quite the same relationship that, say, Lindsay Lohan has with her dealer, it’s still nice to know that someone as insignificant as little ol’ Underhyped can still enjoy/share a little bit of that old-fashioned pen-and-ink communication with local pedalers of co-caine. By all means, keep the communication coming, Ron!

I’m logging footage for a reality television vehicle for Ted Nugent called Wanted: Ted or Alive (or What Happens When Reality Television Stops Being Nice and Starts Acting Nuge). E.T. (the Extra Terrestrial) sneaks into the Nuge’s attic, where there are two rifles. E.T. takes one of the rifles and crawls into the heating ducts. After a short crawl, E.T. is looking out of a register near the ceiling of one of the rooms in Ted Nugent’s house. E.T. takes aim at Ted Nugent’s right-hand man standing below the register and fires. E.T. kills the man.

But now the Nuge is aware of E.T.’s hostile presence. E.T. jumps out of the heating duct. The Nuge has grabbed a rifle and is in pursuit of E.T., who is running from the Nuge. E.T. is cornered in a room with no exit. The Nuge stands at one end of the room and fires at E.T. E.T., facing the Nuge, shuffles back and forth against the far wall of the room in an attempt to avoid the Nuge’s shower of bullets. Amazingly, the Nuge misses E.T. with every shot.

Of course I think, Bullshit. The Nuge is a crack shot. He would never miss E.T. with a rifle from that range.

After months of telling everyone around me that David Cross has turned into a washed-up loser, Underhyped has decided that it’s finally time to seal the deal. And so, before you all start screaming about how great Arrested Development is, I just want you to relax, kick back, and have an open mind… about how David Cross is an asshole.

David Crosses his fans!

MORE… David Cross - OVERHYPED

I’ll be honest, Underhyped is desperate for a job. We’ve been applying to four jobs a day off Craigslist for the past month and have gotten absolutely nowhere, except that now our savings is well below the four figure mark, and Underhyped’s lease runs out at the end of August. Where will Underhyped get the money to finance this move?!

If we’re really lucky, maybe we’ll have some luck getting hired as Personal/Administrative Assistant to Zoe Alexander. Renowned for her work as former EDITOR AT LARGE of gossip juggernaut Life & Style, Zoe is now scouring LA for Hollywood’s best and brightest assistant.

Frankly, if Underhyped thought we had a chance of getting this job, we’d never post it for all of you to see and risk upsetting dear Zoe. Unfortunately for us, we lack the criteria necessary to go “straight to the top of the pile,” including but not limited to (bold is ours):

• Have fluency in French is a plus.
• Have tennis skills.
• Have golf skills.
• Ability to research, resourcefulness, boldness. (In other words, you’ll need to get that Polish woodworker to recommend a proper carpenter, and follow leads till you find the right person. Then deal with them to get the task done.)

Ok, Zoe, we get it. Jesus, I really think Underhyped could have made a great assistant, too - I guess it’s back to the workbench to pointlessly toil away on our designs for an all-sausage dream home.

• Personal/Administrative Assistant [Craigslist LA]
• Give Underhyped a job: underhyped [AT] gmail.com

In our ongoing coverage of the Drudge Report’s somewhat bizarre relationship with sex, Underhyped is proud to bring you our latest update on the Drudge sex headlines front.

While Matt Drudge is limited to very few words with each posting, we can sense an undercurrent of excitement and electricity in his latest posts.

And the winner is…

Potpourri!!!

We’re sure there’s a story hidden in there somewhere, but we’re scratching our heads to decipher exactly what goes where, and to be honest, I think Drudge is, too. One thing’s certain, though… no matter how you slice it, the Drudge report is always saucy, sexy, and a touch confused.

• Underhyped EXCLUSIVE: Drudge Obsessed with Animal Sex